Kokoro no Tsubasa
by Shini no Miko
Summary: {Sequel to "Ochiru."} In absence, the possibility of return becomes progressively more impossible... Is there anything left for Kenshin in Tokyo, now that he's no longer welcome anywhere else?
1. A Cold Wind Blowing In

  
  
Author's Notes:  
Well... It finally happened.  
What?! you ask. Well, that's kinda what I would say, too, but I'm me, so... Well, in any case. _Ochiru,_ in case you haven't read it, is a story about Kenshin, Kaoru, the past, and an unhealthy dose of fear. If you're reading this and are still confused, that means you should go read _Ochiru_ before continuing any further in _Kokoro no Tsubasa._  
Why?! Because _Kokoro no Tsubasa_ is the sequel to _Ochiru_.  
So, it finally happened.  
Rei-chan and I finished the role-play a while ago, but it's extremely long... Collected here, is the sequel to _Ochiru_, what plays itself out when old wounds are opened... or maybe closed.._._   
There will be several more chapters coming, and, when I can manage, a story set inside the _Ochiru_ continuum about Sano and Megumi... For now, though, simply enjoy the fruits of our evil fun, and my labor.  
The way these stories have been worked out is that Rei and I role-play them, and then I write them, flush them out, add scenery and generally more correct grammar. After the first draft is finished, Rei and I go each through the story and fix it up. I make the final changes, Rei approves it, and I add these stupid notes which nobody in their right mind reads.  
On another note... Someone suggested, in a review to _Ochiru,_ that we break the hearts of the KnK out there'... Well, we didn't exactly do that, I'm afraid... I'll call our approach cliche with a twist'... In the words of Bob Dylan... Things have changed...  
So. On with the show.  
_SnM_  
  


_To Rei, who shouldn't be so damn flattered to have stories dedicated to her... If I don't give you credit _somewhere_, I'm a demi-plaigerist._  


  
  
  
  
  


**Kokoro no Tsubasa**  
_Wings of the Heart  
_  
  
Rei and SnM  
  
  
Chapter One  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Yahiko sat on the porch, waiting for his former teacher to come home. She wasn't late, but he worried all the same. _She's changed so much since _he_ left... And she won't tell any of us what happened..._ He sighed heavily, resting his chin in his hands. He didn't like waiting for Kaoru.  
  
Finally, Kaoru came through the dojo gate, several packages in her arms. Smiling to the boy in greeting, she said, What do you want for dinner, Yahiko?  
  
Whatever you feel like making is fine, I'm not very hungry... the young man said, feigning indifference. He watched Kaoru carefully.  
  
Kaoru gave him a knowing look, stepping onto the porch beside him. You mean you don't want to fill up an anything before your date with Tsubame-chan... Yahiko spluttered, flushing darkly. Kaoru just shook her head. It's all right, Yahiko... I'm just going to make some soup... I'm not that hungry either...  
  
Calming down, Yahiko just nodded, and watched Kaoru brush past him and into the house. _She's gotten so much stronger... Yeah, she's thinner than she was before, and her eyes have lost some of the fire they used to have, but she's so much stronger, both physically and mentally. Five years ago, when she came to rescue me, I thought she was strong to stand up to those bastards, but now... _He sighed. _ I'd just bet that she's faster than Soujiro now... And probably stronger than Enishi... But she always holds back, like she's afraid she'll hurt someone, or completely break herself... She's been walking such a thin line since the night Kenshin vanished...  
  
_It was then that Sano pushed open the gate and stepped into the dojo yard. Yahiko looked up, and reflected briefly on his appearance. Sano looked older and more worn than he ever had, rough around the edges, so to speak, despite the fact that he was rather well-dressed and, from what he told them, living relatively well, too.  
  
Hey, punk, the tall, thin man said, tipping his head to Yahiko. Raising one eyebrow, he asked, Whatcha lookin' so glum for?_  
_  
Yahiko waved his hand in the direction of the house, and, more specifically, the kitchen.   
  
Sanosuke gave the kid a look, and plopped down on the steps next to him. Yeah? So?  
  
In the kitchen, Kaoru, hearing Sano's voice, doubled the portions for the miso she'd just set cooking.  
  
Yahiko glared at his friend, and, lowering his voice so that only Sano could hear, said, Oh, don't tell me you haven't noticed how much she's changed since Kenshin left, tori-atama!She's not the Kaoru we knew two years ago...  
  
Sano sighed. Obviously, midget boy, but _you_ look like somebody died.  
  
Yahiko snorted in response. In a way, he said, his voice still soft, somebody did.  
  
The tall man smiled ruefully, and ruffled Yahiko's hair before standing. Y' learn t' get over stuff as you get older, short stuff. Yahiko wondered whether Sanosuke's expression wasn't just a little bitter. Kaoru's a big girl. She's dealing with it. With that, he turned away from Yahiko and walked into the house, heading for the kitchen.**  
**  
As the door slid shut behind Sano, Yahiko scowled. _Not well,_ he said to himself. _Not well... Although she's gotten damn good at hiding it...  
_  
Kaoru heard Sano in the hall, and turned around as he entered the kitchen. Hi, Sano! she chirped, forcing a smile.  
  
How ya doin', Gramma? Sano asked glibly, smiling a rather false smile of his own. Glancing down at the pot over the fire, Sano made a face. he exclaimed. That's a lotta soup!  
  
Kaoru snorted indignantly. Well, if you're staying for supper, it will be just enough. Now, if you wouldn't mind, go set the table.  
  
W'll, I'll set the table for ya, but I'm not stayin', he said as he got out the dishes. 'Jime's got plans t'night, an' he'll skin me alive if I'm late.  
  
Sighing, the young woman nodded her assent. Fine, then. Tell Yahiko to run over to the clinic and invite Genzai-sensei and the girls.  
  
Can do. Sano set out the dishes, and then moseyed back onto the porch. Yo, shrimp. Kaoru says for you t' go ask Genzai and the girls over for dinner.  
  
Yahiko said, and left the dojo yard at a jog.  
  
  
  
  
Kenshin entered Tokyo through the southern check point, making his way around a group of harried travelers who were regrouping before heading into the city. The sky was pale grey, the clouds bunching together and slowly scattering as a cool, late winter breeze gusted across the road.  
  
He brushed the wisps of his red hair out of his face, adjusted the collar of his wear-faded, black kimono, and set his pack at his feet. Straightening, he could see the rise of Tokyo on the horizon. Between him and his past lay only a dusty road, lined with bare trees shivering in the wind.  
  
Sighing, he picked up his satchel once more and moved off towards the city.  
  
  
  
  
Are you sure you won't have something before you go, Sano? Kaoru looked up from the soup she was ladling into the bowls on the table.  
  
Naw, that's okay. Jime wouldn't-  
  
Kaoru had stilled, frozen in position, bent over a bowl, the empty ladle in her hand. _I know that ki...  
_  
Uh... Kaoru...? Y'okay...?  
  
Shaking her head, Kaoru pulled herself back to the situation at hand, and smiled at Sanosuke. I'm fine, she said, moving on to the next bowl, ladling soup into it.  
  
Sano said, leaning against the doorframe. _Man... That's the look Jime gets when he thinks I'm fucking around behind his back... Kaoru just got a whiff of something pretty nasty..._  
  
Yahiko arrived, with Genzai and the girls, a few moments later. Sano said as the girls removed their shoes in the doorway, I'll see y'all later. He flashed a reassuring grin at Kaoru and slipped out past the girls, nodding at their grandfather as he passed. Yahiko watched the young man push open the dojo gate with a heavy heart.  
  
  
  
  
He'd almost forgotten how huge Tokyo was... How could he have...? Even on the horizon, it had been an extensive sprawl of buildings. Once inside, it seemed like the city would never end, much less ever make any sense.   
  
Nonetheless, his feet remembered the way better than he wanted to admit. He began to recognize landmarks, and realized that the Kamiya Dojo would not be more than twenty minutes away.  
  
He was drawn from his thoughts by the sound of many flurried footsteps, and looked up in time to see several young children running towards him. But before they could collide, they stopped, almost as one body. He stood still as they stared at him with wide eyes. Even as they whispered to each other and crossed the street, he remained motionless. Only when he could no longer hear their footsteps did he resume walking again, wondering what their childish fear meant, and whether it was, in all honesty, warranted.  
  
Kenshin's eyes went wide as he saw a familiar figure hurrying down the road, his head bowed. Sanosuke was wearing a kimono, but that wasn't so strange... Kenshin struggled with himself, wanting to run over and embrace his young friend. Thinking better of it, he shut his mouth, and ducked into a nearby alleyway, still as stone.  
  
Sanosuke stopped dead in the middle of the road. Lifting his head, he looked around the dusky road, but found it deserted. _Holy shit..._ For a very long moment, Sanosuke hardly moved, studying the street keenly. But it was empty. _Empty... I must be imagining things... Shit, I ain't got time for this... Jime's gonna have my fuckin' head..._ Without too much more hesitation, the dark-haired youth turned back in the direction he'd been heading, and walked away.  
  
Kenshin slipped out of the alleyway once his friend was gone, and stood in the road for a moment, considering an alternate path. As soon as he had figured out the longest route to the Kamiya Dojo, he turned and resumed walking.  
  
  
  
  
As she hung up her dish rag and untied her sleeves, Kaoru fumed quietly. Why did he decide to wait this long before coming back!? Why the hell did he leave in the first place? She stalked out of the kitchen, and headed down the hall towards her own bedroom.  
  
Despite the fact that she didn't want to do it, Kaoru stopped in front of Kenshin's old room, resting a palm against the shoji. The ghosts of memories, shades that could never compare to the real thing, pased through her mind. His smile, his ferocity, his tenderness, his affection, his tenacity... You took my heart, she said softly into the empty hallway, her voice echoing slightly. Do you know that? The lonely sound of the echo of her voice made her shiver, just ever so slightly, and she pushed away from the door, heading to her own room to change into her training clothes.  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. When the Clouds Part

  
  
  
  


Chapter Two  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
She could feel him. It pulled her out of the meditative state she'd fallen into. He was so close... _Oh, God..._ She could feel him, right outside. In the yard somewhere, maybe... Nearby, not just in Tokyo... He had come back... _God, please give me strength...  
  
_She opened her eyes, staring at the alter directly in front of her. She had not moved since she entered the training hall and sat down to pray. She prayed more now, more than she ever had while he was there... Perhaps she simply needed it now.  
  
She could hear the wind rise outside, a cold February wind. She knew how biting it was outside... Carried by the noise of the wind, the knock at the dojo door sounded just as close as if Kaoru were standing right in the front hall. She tensed. _No one's going to answer that door,_ she though pointedly. _You'll have to come find me... But I can't guarantee that I'll welcome you back the way I would have, once...  
_  
Finally, saying another prayer and apologizing for the interruption, Kaoru rose. Taking a shinai from the rack against the wall, she began to practice. Her attention fell away from Kenshin's presence and the heavy pain in her heart as she concentrated on improving the unearthly speed she had cultivated over the past two years.  
  
  
_  
  
_Kenshin sat down on the steps, setting his pack against the railing. He rested his forearms on his knees, looking out at the all-too-familiar dojo yard. _What do you want to do...? Go and talk to her, or leave her a note, and hope that she doesn't burn it to curse you? _He sighed. _The truth is... I know she's in the practice hall... I can feel her... But..._  
  
Shaking his head, he stood. He smoothed out his kimono, trying to push his short hair, which the wind had blown askew, back into some semblance of order. But the wind continued, cold and brisk, and he gave up, heading around the side of the building towards the back yard.   
  
He saw her the moment the practice hall came into view. She was moving with a speed and elegance he didn't remember her having before, but he forced himself to be indifferent to her newfound skill. _What does it matter to you, now? That's not any concern of yours..._  
  
Stop hiding. Her voice rang out across the yard, cold like the wind was cold, stinging him with its detachment. I know you're there, Kenshin.  
  
With a sigh, he moved into view, each step a tiny battle with his fear. Once he knew she could see him, he bowed. Good evening, Kaoru-dono, he said softly.  
  
Kaoru descended from the training hall, her composure strangely regal, cold and proud. She looked at him with impassive blue eyes. You've come back. It was not a question, a plea, an expression of joy... Kenshin wondered what words meant when a person said them with so little compassion.  
  
he said. I've come to Tokyo looking for work. ... Kyoto - does not want me.  
  
Kaoru stood in front of him, her arms crossed over her chest. She raised one thin eyebrow, though even in mocking him her actions lacked that definite fire she'd always had.  
  
The redhead studied his hands for a long moment. _Don't hold back,_ he told himself. _Be honest with her... This is your only chance..._ I was in prison there, he admitted softly. So it's hardly surprising that they have no love for me there...  
  
Kaoru said archly. And just what did you do to deserve that?  
  
Kenshin's expression said very clearly, Is that a joke?' Kaoru was almost surprised by the bitterness on his drawn, pale face, but she realized that her own bitterness probably matched his. What haven't I done, Kaoru-dono?  
  
She didn't miss a beat. Stayed where you belonged. She looked away from Kenshin, up at the moon, which was hanging, white and bright in the newly dark sky. _I will not break down,_ she promised herself. _Not this time... Not this time...!_  
  
Kenshin laughed softly, bitterly, surprising himself. He couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed.   
  
Kaoru shook her head, fierce anger building inside her. She clenched her fists, forced herself not to slap him.  
  
I think you've hit the nail on the head, he said.  
  
Her self-control had never been exemplary. She stepped forward and slapped him, hard, across the cheek with the flat of her hand. His startled gasp gave her a distinct pleasure. Kenshin's hand crept up to touch his red cheek as he took a half-step back, away from Kaoru.  
  
You never did understand, did you? she hissed. Or were you too scared?!  
  
He shook his head, his hand dropping back to his side. The truth is... The truth is, I don't know what I did. His voice was soft, a little apologetic. Rather, I know that I have done many things, but I don't know which one I was imprisoned for. Perhaps all of them...  
  
Kaoru snorted. Well, now you're back, she said, shrugging slightly. But don't expect a warm welcome. Things have changed.  
  
His shoulders sagged minutely. The look in his eyes was so... exhausted... But he didn't look away from her. Kaoru thought that he looked a half-century older than he really was, more tired and worn than he ever had been before. I know, he replied in that same, soft voice. I never expected any such thing... not here, or anywhere else...  
  
Kaoru looked back at him evenly. You can stay here if you've got nowhere else to go, she said quietly. Your room is still empty She turned away, knowing that, if she continued to look at him, he would see her tears. It has been since you left. _I won't cry,_ she told herself, biting her lip. _I can't cry I won't cry It isn't worth it_  
  
_Oh, God,_ he thought, looking down. _Why did you have to say that?_ He struggled to think of an excuse I wouldn't want to impose.  
  
You wouldn't be imposing any more than you ever did, she replied. That said, she pushed past him, pointedly ignoring the slight shock that surged up her arm as her sleeve brushed his.   
  
Which was a great deal, Kenshin snapped. Kaoru turned around sharply, catching the redhead's expression. He looked a little stricken. Excuse me, he whispered, lowering his eyes.  
  
There's soup in the kitchen , if you're hungry, she added, turning around and heading back towards the house. Good night, Kenshin. She went inside.  
  
She flopped down on her bed, burying her head in the pillow. _Why!?_ she protested silently, hot tears sliding down her cheeks and soaking into the pillow. _Why did you have to come back? Yes, I've wanted you to come back. Every day, I've prayed that you would come back Every day, I've been dying without you At least, then, I could bear the pain Now_  
  
Kenshin said, more to himself than anyone else, as Kaoru had already disappeared inside the house. Good night. Realizing the futility of simply standing there, Kenshin turned around and walked back to the front porch to pick up his bag.  
  
Kaoru! I came back t' get the rest of my stuff!!  
  
Kenshin froze where he was, bent over, one hand on his bag. Oh, God There was Yahiko Kenshin could see him from the corner of his eye. The boy had just come through the gate. Kenshin realized that Yahiko couldn't see him in the dark, and was suddenly glad, even though it wouldn't postpone their meeting for more than a few seconds.  
  
Kaoru sat bolt upright in bed, quickly drying her tears. Kaoru called. You're still going to teach, right?!  
  
Yahiko passed Kenshin's doubled-over form with little more than a cold glance. _You'd better have a good reason for coming back after so long,_ Yahiko thought as he slipped through the door. _I swear, if you hurt her again, I'll hunt you down and kill you myself, Kaoru and Kasshin Ryu be damned.  
_   
Kenshin shuddered slightly, feeling the frigidity of Yahiko's hatred. He remained still, even while Yahiko was inside, gathering his things and speaking with Kaoru, and did not move until the boy had left the yard and was out of his sight.  
  
Finally, minutes after Yahiko had left, Kenshin straightened, lifting his bag, and walked off the porch, moving to leave the dojo yard.  
  
Kaoru shouted from the bedroom. Don't you dare even think about leaving until we've talked!  
  
Kenshin stopped short, his head bowed. He walked back up to the porch, and stood in the open doorway. I was under the impression, Kaoru-dono, he said, loud enough for her to hear from the bedroom, that, when you walked away from me, you had dismissed my company. He wondered, in some half-forgotten part of his mind, why he was being so cold to Kaoru.  
  
Kaoru frowned at her bedroom wall. I told you you could stay, and I meant it, she said decisively. Besides, with Yahiko moving into Sano's old place... I wouldn't really mind the company.  
  
He wondered what part of that little speech had been truthful, what part affectation. I see...  
  
Finish off the soup, she called. Don't worry, it won't poison you.  
  
No, thank you, Kenshin replied. _Good God, I don't think I could eat right now if I wanted to..._  
  
Well, then, wait a second. I'm coming out there so that we don't have to shout across the house. Kenshin sat down on the steps again, and Kaoru walked up behind him a few moments later, sitting down next to him.  
  
she said, you really should eat something... You're starving.  
  
I'm sorry, Kaoru, but if you're going to tell me how to take-  
  
I mean it, Kaoru cut in. Your aura is weak for want of food... Your face is drawn... You may not have noticed it, but you are.  
  
Kenshin closed his eyes for a moment, his lips pursed. _What should I tell her...? About the sakabato...? About... No. No, she doesn't need to know that..._  
  
Kaoru sighed. _Don't be so cold to him... This is it... What would you do if you drove him away now...?_ You're troubled, she said gently.  
  
I'm sorry, he said quickly, the words tumbling from his lips without so much as a thought on his part.**  
**  
Kaoru surprised herself by actually laughing, for the first time in a long while. Kenshin, chagrined, looked away, but did not blush.  
  
Kaoru titled her head, studying him. What happened to you that your aura has faded so...?  
  
After a moment's deliberation, Kenshin looked back at the young woman. There is a simple answer to that, and a practical answer... Simply put, I no longer practice Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu. He watched as Kaoru's expression melted from gentle concern to stunned disbelief. Is it so hard to believe...? he asked.  
  
Kaoru looked down at the floor. Yes... It is... It was so much a part of who you were... Kenshin sighed quietly, and Kaoru decided not to press the issue. Anyway... I- I'm sorry I snapped at you. _There,_ she said to herself once the words were out of her mouth. _That wasn't so hard, was it...?_  
  
It's fine, Kenshin replied softly. He looked up at her, smiling, ever so slightly, his expression apologetic. For whatever many reasons you're angry at me, I deserve it...  
  
The dark-haired girl shook her head, smiling - just a little - in return. I'm just glad you're back.  
  
Kenshin leaned his arms on his thighs, propping his head in his hands. He closed his eyes and scrubbed his palms over his face, a shaky sigh escaping him.  
  
_I suppose... I suppose I should be angry..._ Kaoru couldn't bring herself to look at him. _But... I _can't_... I'm not angry, just... empty... _She sighed, echoing Kenshin. _I've tried _so many_ times to reach him, to make him understand... But I've never gotten through, not even after Enishi- Maybe now, now that he's come back, I'll be able to... The least I can do is try... And if my heart gets broken a third time, so be it... It can't get any- any worse than it was..._  
  
I... I didn't expect you to welcome me back, Kaoru-dono, Kenshin said, not lifting his head from his hands. His soft red hair fell about his hands, the ends curling around his ears and his cheekbones. I didn't even expect you to speak to me, really... I just... I just hoped that you didn't hate me...  
  
Kaoru choked on a laugh. I couldn't hate you if I tried, she said. And, believe me, I tried. But I can't.  
  
Then... Then I'm sorry for that, he replied, not looking at her. It probably would have been easier if you could have.  
  
She took in a shaky breath. These past two years, I've thrown myself into my training, taking Kasshin Ryu to a level I doubt my father even realized was possible. I haven't allowed myself to feel anything, she admitted. After a pause, she continued, sadly,Yahiko once said that I'd become colder than Aoshi ever was... And he was right. Kaoru looked at him, a deep melancholy in her blue eyes. It's horrible... I've become someone I didn't think I could...  
  
Kenshin looked at her, twisting his head in his hands to look at her, a sad expression on his pale features. Forgive me for saying so, but I can't believe that...  
  
The young woman shook her head. I...I've tried to stop it... Around people I can put on a cheerful face... But when I'm alone...  
  
Is _that_ why you wanted company...? he asked quietly, dropping his gaze again.  
  
She nodded. I'm afraid I'll lose what's left of who I once was... She looked up at the clear, crisp sky, and the moon hanging high above them, like a shining pearl. It was as though a new person had taken over my body, and I didn't realize it until it was too late...  
  
I know...  
  
I can't think, I can't feel... Yes, I teach- Or I used to, until Yahiko convinced me that I no longer had the passion for it that I used to... Now I just work on honing my skills... I feel like an empty shell being moved by some puppeteer... I can't stand it, but there's nothing I can do to stop it! Only then did Kaoru notice the hot tears that were sliding down her cheeks, years' worth of unshed tears. I feel so helpless! she cried.  
  
Without looking at her, unable to face her tears, Kenshin said, You are the only one stopping yourself, Kaoru-dono...  
  
I've tried... several times... to... She was surprised that she could say anything through the lump in her throat. Her breath was coming short, and she felt the need to sob. God... I've thought about ending it all, but I'd be leaving so many people behind who rely on me... I'm a- I'm a wreck, Kenshin... I put on a strong front, but, behind that mask, I'm like glass that's about to be shattered...  
  
Kenshin said vehemently, taking her hand. He caught himself, and forced himself to calm down, letting her hand go. Although his voice was once more soft when he next spoke, it lacked none of the conviction it had held a moment before. Kaoru, death is never the answer to any problem, no matter what anyone says... Death- He swallowed against the thickness in his throat. - only ever leads to more death...  
  
I know, Kaoru returned. It was the hope that you might, one day, come back that kept me alive this long... But if you hadn't come back... Her lips twisted in a rueful, mocking smile.  
  
Kenshin moaned softly. Don't say that...  
  
I'm sorry, the dark-haired woman said. I shouldn't burden you with my problems... You have enough of your own, I'm sure...  
  
That isn't what I mean! He sounded hurt, and wouldn't meet her gaze anymore.  
  
I'm sorry, she said again, her shoulders slumping a little.  
  
I... didn't mean to shout at you...  
  
She sighed. It's all right... I need that.  
  
Kenshin rested his head in one hand, looking in Kaoru's direction without seeing. What have we done to ourselves...?  
  
I don't know...  
  
He was looking at her, then, and actually seeing her. He reached up, putting the back of his free hand against her cheek, watching Kaoru's reaction carefully. His hand was trembling, but his hands always trembled, now, he reminded himself.  
  
Kaoru sighed, bringing one of her hands up and placing it over Kenshin's frail hand. Her voice was barely audible over the muted wail of the winds through the bare trees. Do you think... we could start over again...? Is it still possible...?  
  
Kenshin straightened, looking the young woman in straight in the eye, his expression wistful. I wish we could, he replied honestly. It was practically all I thought about for two years... And every day, the possibility became more and more remote... I don't know...  
  
Carefully, the blue-eyed girl laced her fingers through the older man's. I'd like to... Things may never be the same as they were before, but... Maybe... just maybe... they can be better...  
  
Kenshin swallowed against the veritable lump that had formed in his throat. That's what I've hoped for... He closed his eyes, the tips of his lashes fluttering against his ashen cheeks. _But I don't trust myself enough... Even if I _have_ let go' of violence, and Battosai, and death, and swords... I can't let go of you... But I don't trust myself to try again, either..._ Instead of saying this, other words, words he hadn't even considered, slipped from his lips. Yahiko wouldn't like it. He blinked, realizing what he'd said.**  
**  
Kaoru shook her head decisively. Yahiko doesn't live here anymore. He's the master of his own home' now. He doesn't have any say in who stays at mine... The look in her eyes became distant. Besides... It gets so lonely here... Memories aren't substantial company. Kenshin's sigh brought her back to the moment, and she looked at him, smiling reassuringly. Let's just try... Pick up the pieces and try to put ourselves back together again...  
  
There was a silence between them, then, a peaceful silence, for once...  
  
Ho- I'm sorry to change to subject, Kenshin said, ducking his head slightly. But- How is Sanosuke...? I- I saw him on my way here...  
  
Kaoru shrugged. He seems fine enough. He's living with Saito now...  
  
For a brief moment, Kenshin looked mildly appalled. You mean it? he asked.  
  
The blue-eyed woman nodded. Mmm-hmmm... I was extremely startled when I first heard about it, but now that they've been together for over a year, it actually seems to work... Sort of... I had hoped he and Megumi would... But she left for to Aizu about a month before he and Saito started living together.  
  
I see...  
  
At that moment, Kaoru rose. Before Kenshin could wonder what was the matter, he heard someone at the dojo gate. The moment the stranger saw Kaoru approach, the two launched into a heated argument, of which Kenshin could only hear bits and pieces. ... Naru-san! Kaoru was saying. I don't care what they say! There was a long pause as the other person said something in hushed, although vehement, tones. Kaoru exclaimed. I'm twenty-two years old! What I do with my life is my own choice!   
  
Kenshin sat passively on the porch, confused beyond imagination. _What on earth...?_  
  
As Kaoru stormed back to sit beside him, Kenshin thought he should ask her what the matter was. But, judging by the anger in her eyes, he wondered if that were really such a good idea. Finally, he said,   
  
Please don't call me that, Kaoru said with a sigh.  
  
  
  
Just Kaoru' is fine, you know.  
  
  
  
Sighing again, Kaoru pulled her legs up to her chest, resting her head on her knees. Every week, one of them shows up and tries to tell me what's good for me... What I should be doing... They think I'm incapable of making my own decisions...!  
  
Kenshin asked slowly.  
  
The town elders. They used to send go-betweens with propositions... But I don't want marry any of them, not a one... Her voice had softened, and she wrapped her arms around her legs, hugging them closer. To them, I'd only be a wife... A possession... I wouldn't be free... I couldn't live with one of them... I just couldn't... It would break me...  
  
And who _do_ you want to marry...? he asked, distracted, looking out at the dark yard. The moment the words slipped from his lips, he realized what he had trapped himself into, and resigned himself to his fate.  
  
Kaoru gave the redhead a sharp look before dropping her head again. I don't know how he feels about me, she said, subdued. But he's the only man I've ever been in love with...  
  
How could anyone not love you, Kaoru-do- Kaoru...? Kenshin asked, a quiet nostalgia in his voice.  
  
The raven-haired young woman sighed. Maybe he's too afraid?  
  
Maybe he's too stupid.  
  
Or maybe I've just never told him how I feel, so he has no way of knowing...  
  
He shook his head minutely. I think he knows, he replied.  
  
A wave of uncertainty washed over Kaoru, and she let out a deep breath, rocking a little. I don't know anymore, she admitted quietly. ... I'm at my wit's end... I just don't know what to do.  
  
Kenshin found the only words he could think of to say, words he'd wanted to say for such a very, very long time. And when he opened his mouth, his voice was a plaintive whisper, barely audible... Kiss me...?  
  
Slowly, Kaoru lifted her head, tear tracks streaking her smooth cheeks. Gathering her shredded courage, she leaned in and brushed a gentle kiss across Kenshin's lips. _God,_ she thought as they touched, _if this is a dream, don't ever let it end..._  
  
Kenshin could not find it in himself to close his eyes with the kiss, though he was fighting tears. When the brief kiss was done, he pulled back ever so slightly, still so close that his lips nearly brushed Kaoru's as he spoke. When they put me in jail, of course, they confiscated the sakabato... I felt as though... I had lost the very last support I had... I swore to myself two things during the time I was in prison: One, that I would never pick up the sakabato again... And the other, that I would, in time, try to reclaim the only other thing that meant something to me... He drew a shaky breath. ... You... He closed the space between them once more, kissing her lightly for a second time. One of his hands lifted, trailing his fingers across Kaoru's cheek, through her tears.  
  
Kaoru said after a pause. ... You've never had to reclaim' me... You already have my heart... But, she continued, without Hiten Mitsurugi... your soul...  
  
He cradled the back of her head with one hand, leaning his forehead against the crook of her neck. It was the only way- he began, murmuring into the cloth of her kimono. It was the only way I could think of to... distance myself from all that I didn't want to be...  
  
Tentatively, Kaoru reached out to stroke Kenshin's back lightly. Oh, Kenshin, she whispered, her lips close to his hair.  
  
Kenshin, in return, pressed his lips against her shoulder. I'm sorry.  
  
Kaoru said, still rubbing his back. It's all right... Maybe this time both of us can start over. Maybe that's just what we need...  
  
That's all I want, Kenshin admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. To start over... with you...  
  
she agreed, smiling weakly. Me, too... She sighed, her breath light against Kenshin's hair. No more guilt, no more heartache...  
  
Now it was Kenshin's turn to reach up and touch Kaoru, running his palm over her dark hair. Just... _us_...  
  
Kaoru sighed again, curling a bit of Kenshin's hair around her fingers. You cut your hair...   
  
The redhead let out a deep breath. he replied simply.  
  
She pulled back, pouting a little. It will take a long time to grow out again...   
  
Kenshin sighed. Well... I suppose so...  
  
she began, a little more sternly than she'd mean to. What's bothering you...? The look on the man's thin face was distant, a little melancholy.  
  
It's just that...  
  
You can tell me, Kaoru assured him.  
  
He looked up, slightly sheepish. I'm very sorry, but... Um... He smiled slightly, embarrassed. Do you think I could use the bath...?  
  
And Kaoru couldn't help but laugh.  
  
**  
**


	3. Flickering Light

  
  
  
  
  


Author's Notes:  
Yay, another chapter!  
This fic is gonna be really long!!! Nyerk. Rei, darlin', yer slave driver....  
Notes to those wonderful reviewers:  
Clarus - Only when Rei-chan makes me. Mae - Glad you waited, too! And, finally, Supernaturalove - Gosh. Seems like you've got greater expectations for this fic than I do! ::Snerk.:: I hope we're up to snuff!  
Oh! And, finally, a question. There's potential lemon scene here, as well as in the up-coming Sano & Megumi fic. As for S&M, yer gettin' one of those, whether you want it, or not. But... Well... D'yall want a 2K lemon scene? I'm kinda scared about writing it - my lemon skillz (Yeah, I just spelled with a Z. Life's a bitch and then you die.) lean more in the yaoi direction... But if I get enough support, and if Rei twists my arm enough, y'all can have a 2K lemon! Also, soon I'll be asking whether an S&M lemon (in the _Ochiru_ world, so it's a little weird, of course...) appeals to y'all. I've got it whittled down, right now, to an S&M lime, but if you want it, you'll get a lemon, too. Lemme know! Start telling me now!!  
Reviews are muchly craved and greatly appreciated, like a tall glass of water on a hot summer day. Ya hear?!  
Go forth and enjoy!  
_SnM_  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Chapter Three  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
_He looks so different,_ Kaoru thought, contemplating the new Kenshin' who had turned up on her doorstep spare hours ago.  
  
As this thought crossed her mind, Kenshin stepped into the dining room. Ah, Kaoru? Where would you like me to put this? He held up the towel he had used, his eyebrows raised.  
  
_He _has_ changed,_ she thought, her eyes wide. Kenshin looked clean, his hair, almost brown when wet, plastered to his skull, and he looked pleased to be such. _But, still He's so pale, and since when has Kenshin had cheekbones?!_ It was true. The skin had tightened over the bones of his face, any fat he might have had gone from his body. His cheeks were gaunt, his eyes sunken. _So thin_ He didn't seem to notice, and this, perhaps, was the strangest part.  
  
_But we've both changed_, Kaoru reminded herself._ Kenshin and I, we're different And it isn't even just us Sano's different, and so is Yahiko We've _all_ changed so much_   
  
  
  
Uhm, just leave them in my bedroom – There's a pile of laundry just inside my door. I'll talk care of it.  
  
All right Kenshin said hesitantly, and disappeared down the hall. A few minutes later, he returned, empty-handed. He stood in the doorway, barely in the room at all. Is everything all right, Kaoru?  
  
Kaoru nodded, pouring Kenshin a cup of tea. It is now, she replied.  
  
Kenshin sighed, taking the offered cup, and sat down at the table, sipping the tea appreciatively.  
  
You should have seen Yahiko's face when I put my first edible meal in front of him... Kaoru said, smiling nostalgically. For all the pain, the loss, there had still been good times, in the past two years... They were few and far apart, but they were there none the less.  
  
He couldn't help but smile, his head bowed over his tea cup. I always liked your cooking.   
  
Mmm... You were the only one.  
  
Hm, well...  
  
Kaoru, at the moment, seemed to be fascinated by the dregs of her tea, swirling them around in the bottom of her cup. Kenshin yawned, and quickly threw a hand over his mouth, embarrassed.  
  
The dark-haired young woman smiled down into her cup. You room is probably... sort of clean... There's most likely some dust, but I'll take care of it in the morning...  
  
Oh, it's fine, Kenshin said, putting his cup down on the table. I'll take care of it.  
  
Kaoru rolled her eyes, pouring him more tea, which he left untouched. What if I say I _want_ to clean it for you?  
  
The redhead looked at her for a moment before shrugging limply.  
  
No fair! Kaoru said, playing at some of her old temper. You're supposed to argue with me! She smiled at him as if to say, All in good fun...'  
  
The smile on his lips was a tired one. Is that the way it works...? I'm afraid I'm a little tired for all that...  
  
Oh, give it up, Kenshin, she returned teasingly. Go to sleep.  
  
He stifled another grand yawn, looking a little sheepish. I think I might... Noting that the blue-eyed girl was already taking care of the tea service, Kenshin stood, and headed for his old room, knowing that Kaoru would be following close behind him in a moment or two.  
  
Standing before that old door, Kenshin felt something welling in his chest... It was a foreign feeling, but, at the same time, familiar. _This... feels like home..._ The thought surprised him a little. _Home... It feels good to come back... But... Can I stay here, really...?_ He sighed and dismissed that train of thought for the moment - he would decide for sure later, when he wasn't so tired. Kenshin pushed open his' bedroom door and -  
  
Coughed. Dust. He was choking on a cloud of dust, probably stirred up by the slight movement of the sliding door. Kenshin couldn't help but take a defensive step back, like the cloud of smothering dust were some attacker. He couldn't breath...  
  
The door snapped shut, and, within moments, the air was flowing smoothly into his lungs again. He looked up, still clutching the front of his kimono, his chest aching a little. Kaoru was frowning at him severely.  
  
I guess it's been longer than I thought since I last cleaned, she said, her eyes dark. You can stay in my room tonight.  
  
No, it's fine, he replied softly. I'll just open a window... Or I can-  
  
Kenshin, stop it, Kaoru snapped. You were practically suffocating right there. Go get your bag. I'll put down another futon.  
  
The redhead went to retrieve his pack, and, when he returned, Kaoru had left her bedroom door open, and was kneeling on the floor, making up a second futon. The first thing he noticed was how long her hair had gotten. It was pooling on the floor about her knees.  
  
Kaoru looked up. Aren't you going to- What...?  
  
Your hair, he said quietly, gesturing vaguely around his own head, where there were no longer heavy locks of hair.  
  
Oh, yes... Surprised? Her smile was a little playful.  
  
Ah... A little...  
  
Well, you know what they say. A woman's hair is her most precious possession... I'm not so sure about all that, but why bother taking the time to cut it, after all? Besides... Kaoru looked away, blushing ever so slightly, focusing on the sheets she was spreading out. You said once that you liked it down...  
  
... It looks beautiful, he said after a pause.  
  
Thank you, Kaoru mumbled before standing. There, all ready for you. She moved to the window, closing the shutters.   
  
Kenshin sat down, putting his bag down by the futon, and settling down to sit on the futon. _I'm shaking again_, he noticed, but put that aside and focused on making himself comfortable... Oh, he wasn't used to this... He thought about telling her that she needn't have prepared a mattress, that he preferred to sleep with his back against a wall, but it was rude, he decided, to belittle Kaoru's effort. Good night, Kaoru, he said softly, bowing his head and closing his eyes. He found that he was more tired that he'd realized, and he quickly fell asleep.   
  
Good night, Kaoru replied, settling down under her covers. She lay there, awake, long after Kenshin had drifted off.  
  
  
  
  
The sun shone brightly the next morning, a perfect spring morning, although the wind still had a cold edge to it. Kaoru looked out at the sky, at the sun, which had risen while she was in the training hall. Now, as she paused in her practice, she had a moment to contemplate it.  
  
Breaking away from her rather lazy thoughts, she closed her eyes and focused her energy on her routine. Within moments of pushing her body into motion, she found herself at the other end of the training hall, the sound of her feet slapping against the floor still echoing slightly in the room. Much better, she told herself, nodding slightly. She made her way back to the other end of the hall, moving rapidly through the exercise. Satisfied, for the most part, she set her shinai on the rack, and knelt to pray.  
  
Rising, she couldn't help but wonder whether Kenshin was up yet. She'd left breakfast cooling in the kitchen. Maybe he'd be eating... Or maybe he was still asleep... He'd seemed so tired the night before.  
  
She tapped on her bedroom door, for propriety's sake. There was no answer, and so she pushed open the door and stepped inside. _Oh, good God..._ She almost stepped back in surprise. _Kenshin.. He looks so... frail..._ In fact, he looked nearly dead, sitting there, slumped over, as still as could be. His pale, papery skin was stretched taut over his bones, and his chest barely moved with his shallow breathing. She wondered why his breath wasn't deeper, more even, like that of someone deep in sleep ought to be. The supposition that something might be wrong sent a thrill of panic through her, and her own breath caught in her throat.  
  
Kaoru knelt down beside Kenshin's temporary bed. _Maybe it's because he's sitting up,_ she thought, and reached out to take his thin hand. His skin was cold, the veins a bright blue under his flesh. _Maybe I should get him to lie down... _That feeling - that nervousness - was rising in her, and it made Kaoru feel just a little helpless. She didn't like it, how dead he looked, how still he was. _Maybe..._  
  
Kenshin sighed softly, shifting a little. Kaoru let out a breath she'd hardly known she was holding, and released Kenshin's hand. After a moment, she reached up to brush his hair out of his eyes, but something - she didn't know quite what - got the better of her, and she withdrew, getting to her feet. _He's okay..._ she thought, and the minute it crossed her mind, she knew it was true. She could feel it in the room. He was all right - he would _be_ all right.  
  
Quietly, she stepped away from the futon, lingering in the doorway, watching Kenshin sleep. Welcome home, she murmured. She couldn't help the slight smile that was pulling at the corners of her mouth. Kenshin was home...   
  
His gasp startled her. Looking up, she could see that the redhead's entire body was tense, ready to snap at any moment. _But... he's still asleep...!_ She watched him, concerned, wondering whether she ought to wake him. Before her eyes, Kenshin began to tremble, and he was leaning back in his sleep, as though leaning away from something.  
  
She moved the kneel beside him again, still trying to decide what to do. _He's troubled... What ghosts are haunting him now...?_ She sighed, wringing her hands in her lap. _I'll have to tell him... I shouldn't have lied... But..._ Looking down at her hands, she tried to forget what was beneath her long sleeves, tried to forget that she'd bought a new gi to hide her... _But..._  
  
Moments later, Kenshin's strangled scream woke her from her anxious reverie. He was awake now, his violet eyes sweeping the room nervously, a pale shadow of terror clouding his expression. He was shaking violently, and the effort of sitting up quickly became too much. Collapsing against his knees, he stared straight ahead, gasping for breath, his skin clammy and cold.  
  
Kaoru, her eyes wide, reached out to take one of his hands. What's wrong?!  
  
His eyes shot over to her, his terrified expression returning. He brought her hand up to his mouth, and pressed her palm to his lips, still shuddering severely. His breath rolled unevenly over the back of her hand.  
  
the young woman whispered, her heart hammering in her chest.  
  
Oh, God... You're not dead... His voice was hoarse, hardly more than a whisper.  
  
Startled, Kaoru shook her head. No... Of course I'm not... She leaned forward, touching her forehead to his. I feel more alive than I have in a long time, she admitted softly.  
  
He kissed her hand again, light, thankful caresses. I-I- Oh, God, he breathed. Pausing, he let out a shuddering sigh. I had the most... the most terrible dream... He brought her hand to his cheek, and held it there, his hands trembling. he continued, voice shaking. Please... Don't ever leave me... Oh, God, I'm so _selfish_... But I- Please, don't leave me...  
  
Kaoru gasped. _What does he mean...? What... I... This couldn't be about... But... I should... I should tell him- But I can't!_ Kenshin's skin was damp beneath her palm, damp and chill.  
  
He took another shuddering breath and, as he let it out, she could see some of the coherency fade from his eyes. He spoke in what seemed to be one, long breath, the thought continuing even without his awareness. You were lying in the other - the other room... My' room... And you were lying in the dust on the floor, and there was blood everywhere, and the moonlight was shining on you, and the shutters had blood all over them because you'd tried to open them with your hands all bloody... And you - you were in my room and it was all my fault...  
  
It felt as if her breath had left her body. Oh, she felt sick... _No!_ she thought. _It can't be - it just can't be! How could he know? _How_! How is that even possible...!?_  
  
He continued, softly, that far away look in his eyes. Please don't ever, ever... Oh, God, please don't... He looked up, apparently aware, now, that Kaoru, too, was shaking.   
  
_He can't! He can't know! It's just - It's just a coincidence! There's _no_ way he could know!_  
  
He was staring at her, his eyes dark and shadowed, even in the bright sunshine that was filtering through the windows. he said quietly. What's the matter? The air between them remained silent, the black-haired woman's eyes fixed on her lap. Nervous, Kenshin continued. Kaoru- Whatever I said... I'm sorry- I wasn't thinking. He took a deep breath. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.  
  
It's not... Kaoru began, but found she couldn't continue. She slipped her hand away from his face, letting it fall to rest on her thigh. Taking a breath, she tried again. It's not you. I... She found a little bit of strength somewhere within herself, and looked up at Kenshin. I shouldn't have, but I lied to you last night.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Interludes

  
  
  
  
Author's Notes:  
OK, short chapter this time, darlings... Gomen! (Or maybe that's a good thing...?) Kaoru's secret, plus a little more! ::Wink, wink.::  
Next chapter, I promise, is gonna be longer... Also... Sano!!! Yay!! Everyone loves a good chicken head. ::Giggle.::  
Ah... And just because this tickles my fancy:  
Pia-san - Emotional rollercoaster... Eh...heheheh... Yeah, that's a very good way to describe it, that it most certainly is. But _Seisou Hen_ this ain't. Rei-chan and I... We aren't sure we can even handle watching it... Gah! Anyhow, read between those lines however you like.  
Ja matta!  
_SnM_  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Chapter Four  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Kenshin did not look hurt. Kaoru could see as much. He looked, in fact, as though he had expected this betrayal. But he seemed to understand.  
  
I'm so sorry... She took a deep breath. It's just that... what you dreamed...  
  
he said soothingly, touching her hand, I'm sure that, whatever it is, it's fine...  
  
Kaoru pulled her hand out from under his almost viciously. she cried. It's _not_ fine! Holding her hand to her chest, she closed her eyes for a moment before meeting his perplexed gaze. Kenshin... I... I _did_ try to kill myself.  
  
Silence fell between them, heavy, oppressive - lonely. Kaoru didn't take her eyes off the redhead, for fear that he might disappear if she did. Oh, Lord, how many times had she thought she'd seen him, glimpsed something of him - red hair, that faded kimono - only to have it disappear without a trace. No, she wouldn't look away, no matter how much it hurt.  
  
And it did hurt. It hurt to watch Kenshin's delicate features melt from total disbelief to shock to horror. The pieces began to fall into place in Kenshin's mind, and painful terror took hold of his heart, making his pulse jump. He couldn't hold back the sob that was building in his throat as he surged forward to embrace Kaoru tightly.  
  
Oh, God... He was fighting tears, feeling as though he'd been robbed of breath. ... God... Oh, God, Kaoru... I'm so sorry, he whispered. ... I'm so sorry... Oh, God... Tears rolling freely down his pale cheeks, he held her close, stroking her black hair. Please forgive me... I'm so sorry...  
  
Lord, this hurt. Hearing the pain in his voice, the guilt... It hurt Kaoru's heart. But she'd promised herself - she _had_ to tell him. Wrapping her arms around Kenshin, she took a deep breath, and began to speak. After you left... on the - on the anniversary of the night you left for Kyoto... She took another short breath to bolster her strength. I don't know what came over me. All I know - is that I woke up in the clinic, my wrists bound, and feeling weaker than I ever had. Apparently... Yahiko found me on the floor, a knife by my side, and... She choked on her words, having said as much as she was able. She didn't know what else she _could_ say.  
  
God, I... Kaoru, no... No... I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry...  
  
Kaoru shook her head minutely, sniffling, trying to swallow back the tears that were forming in her own eyes. No... Don't be... It was selfish of me to try and take my life... I wasn't thinking of... of anything... It's not your fault, so don't act like it is.  
  
Kenshin didn't have it in him to argue, at the moment. He knew she was wrong, knew that he had most certainly played some part in this incident, but he simply didn't want to fight with her.  
  
She sighed. Just don't leave again.  
  
His voice was harsh, although barely above a whisper, and determined. he said again, more gently. Never again... No matter whatever else it means, no matter what it takes, I will _never_ leave you again... Never... He swallowed thickly. Never. I'll die before they can ever take me away again... I love you, I'm so sorry...  
  
A gentle smile touched Kaoru's lips. She tightened her arms slightly around Kenshin for a brief moment. You big dummy... What took you so long...?  
  
He stopped, blinking up at her, replaying his words in his head. Slowly, he smiled, as well, his expression deeply affectionate. I... I don't even know...  
  
  
  
It had terrified her. Things had been going so well... And then... But Kenshin had been recovering...! The tension between them was fading, she thought...  
  
They'd eaten a full meal together - his first in weeks, he'd admitted softly. He'd almost been embarrassed at the amount of food she'd put before him. Hadn't he eaten well in jail? No, he said, they'd actually been quite kind to him in prison. It was just...  
  
Maybe he wasn't improving... Kaoru could tell that Kenshin was still very weak. Even his mannerisms were gentler, let alone his physical resolve, which was... the only word Kaoru could think of was depleted. Kenshin's strength, both physically and mentally, was simply _depleted_. Maybe she should have expected it...   
  
They were in the kitchen, getting ready to make lunch. They'd been almost shoulder-to-shoulder at the counter, and Kaoru couldn't remember a time when she'd felt so good just doing mundane things like chopping vegetables.  
  
Reached out to her slowly, and she noticed that his hand was trembling slightly. His expression was that of a man caught by surprised, a little confused. he began, his voice soft.   
  
Halfway to her, Kenshin's hand dropped and he collapsed. Kaoru had barely managed to catch him, sinking to the floor, his frail body a dead weight in her arms. The panic had risen in her, as it always seemed to whenever his eyes closed. What if he never wakes up? she thought, terrified. She'd called his name, but he didn't stir, didn't respond...  
  
_... Ah, but there's no sense in dwelling on it, now,_ Kaoru told herself, sighing. She looked at his sleeping form, arranged neatly on the futon. He did look nearly dead, so still and pale, his breathing shallow, but she knew that he would wake up soon. Kenshin had always been a man to spread himself too thin, and now, when it was hardest for Kaoru to tell bad from worse, he seemed even more prone to denying himself sleep and nourishment. He hid it well, the bone-deep fatigue, so that she could even fool herself into thinking he was the same old wanderer from days gone by. But then he would sigh a little too heavily, or the light would cast unfavorable shadows around his sunken eyes... And then she would know. Kenshin, reserved as ever, refused to act as though anything were the matter, and now he was suffering for it.  
  
Kaoru could only hope that his fainting spell in the kitchen would make him more aware of how far he was pushing himself. _And,_ she added silently, looking over at the reposed form, _if he doesn't, I'll make him._ She sighed again. _I don't want him to walk away again... But I won't let him die on me, either..._


	5. The Wind Took Him East

  
  
  
  
  
  


Chapter Five  
  


  
  
  
The knock at the door brought her back to her senses and pushed her back into action. Kaoru left Kenshin in his bedroom, sleeping soundly, and went to answer the door.  
  
She was surprised to Sanosuke standing there, his head down, his hair, which had grown out in the past two years, hanging in his face. He held a small, canvas bag, and his free hand was hooked in the belt of his kimono. Kaoru hadn't seen her friend in days - maybe weeks... How long _had_ it been since Kenshin returned...? Sano looked so different, these days, she mused - _Don't we all_, she reminded herself. Maybe Saito had done the big lummox a little good and settled him down a bit... Sometimes it seemed like that was the case. Other times, the situation seemed - different, but Kaoru did not dwell on it.  
  
Hello, Sano, she said, pushing the door open further. I didn't expect to see you here. How are you?  
  
Sanosuke shifted, and raised his head just a little, so that she could see the shadows of his eyes looking out at her from beneath his wild hair. Look - Just - Just don't say anything yet. I jus' need a place to stay for the night, y'know? I'll be outta yer hair by this time t'morrow.  
  
Kaoru stared at him. His voice - he sounded nervous... a little less rational than he usually sounded. He... Sanosuke sounded frightened. And why couldn't he stay at home?! She wanted to ask, but she held her tongue. Instead, she nodded, ushering Sano inside and bringing him to one of the guest rooms. It's no problem, she said quietly, opening the door for him.  
  
He kept his head down, even as he walked past her and put his bag down. With his newly liberated hand, he reached up, under his hair, to touch the side of his face, his palm resting there as though he'd just been slapped. he said again.  
  
She smiled. You know you're always welcome here... Even if you are a lazy, meal-mooching freeloader...  
  
Sano was quiet for a long time, his head bowed. ... Uhm... Yeah... I know.  
  
Laughing lightly, she moved back towards the doorway. I was about to start dinner. Are you hungry?  
  
I... I... Naw, not really. He took a deep breath.  
  
The smile faded from Kaoru's gentle face, and she looked at him sharply, not having patience for Sano's attempt at dishonesty. When was Sanosuke not hungry? Something _was_ the matter. Sano... What are you hiding?  
  
he asked softly, raising his head to get a better look at Kaoru, and then quickly remembering to look away.  
  
You're not telling me something... And you're a really bad liar.  
  
I... Naw... He let his hand drop from the side of his face, and it fell to his waist, also hooking in his obi. His head remained turned, most of his face obscured by his hair.  
  
I _know_ you're lying, you idiot. She crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at him. Really, Sano could be so thick, sometimes!  
  
It's nothin', Jo-chan. _Jus' leave it alone, Jo-chan... _he begged silently._ C'mon, I don't wanna talk about it... _ But no matter how hard he wished she would stop, Kaoru plowed right on through.  
  
Did you two have another fight? Sano and Saito were not two men inclined toward peace, and sometimes she wondered how they could live together without being at each others' throats night and day. But, generally, they seemed to manage without too much problem, and their fights, from what Sano said, were few and far between.  
  
the tall man admitted softly.   
  
Kaoru wished that he would look at her. He might be terrible at lying, but he was still evading her by avoiding eye contact. It worried her. Sano was usually such a direct person. Well, you know where the first-aide kit is, she said, frowning.  
  
I'm okay, he replied.  
  
She sighed. _Still as stubborn as ever,_ she thought, trying not to be angry with him for it. I'm going to go make dinner, she said gently. I'll call you when it's ready. And she left Sanosuke alone in the guest room.  
  
Once she'd closed the door, Sano slumped against the wall, sliding down until he was sitting on the floor, his knees folded up to his chest. Kaoru's departure was like the first hints of a storm, and soon the clouds had overtaken him, and the storm hit. He couldn't help the tears that came to his eyes, the feeling of helplessness that welled over him. _God damn it,_ he thought, curling his hands into fists. _Just... God damn it..._ He tried as hard as he could to keep his tears quiet, keep the anger and hurt to himself, but he knew Kaoru would feel it, even if she didn't see it.  
  
  
  
_He looks fine,_ Kaoru thought, watching Sanosuke out of the corner of her eye as he stepped into the kitchen. He leaned against the kitchen counter, watching her cook, trying to act like he didn't think she knew. She knew.   
  
Need any help, y'old biddy? he asked finally, his lightly teasing tone returned.  
  
She turned around, still holding a wooden spoon, her hands at her hips. You're offering to help me cook and you call me... an... old biddy...? His face... She could see his face clearly, now, in the well-lit kitchen. It was... It was a mess. The right side of his face was one, dark, swollen bruise. His eye was black and nearly swollen shut. _How hard...?_ she wondered. _How hard did Saito hit him to bruise him like that...? Or... Or what did he hit him with...?  
_  
Well, ya know, yer gettin' up there, Jo-chan, he said glibly, throwing an arm around her shoulder. Best to pretend he hadn't seen her eyes widen and her jaw drop. Can't go _too_ long without marryin' some nice boy, or they'll start talkin' about ya.  
  
They already do, she said, throwing his arm off her shoulder and going back to the meal at hand.  
  
Hey, hey, hey... No hard feelin's, y'know. He leaned back on the counter again, watching Kaoru carefully score the eel to grill. ... Whaddo I know about marriage, huh? Not like _I'm_ ever gonna get hitched.  
  
Kaoru said, frowning down at the knife in her hands. I thought you were happy...  
  
For a long time, Sanosuke said nothing. ... I _was_... The words fell flat the moment he'd said them, and his eyes widened. _That's not true... I am happy! I... I am..._  
  
Kaoru put the eel on to cook, and turned to look at him. But by the time she'd done that, he'd already closed himself off again. He wouldn't meet her eye anymore, and he'd fallen silent. The dark-haired young woman sighed heavily. It's none of my business, she said.  
  
She continued to move about the kitchen, preparing dinner, and Sano remained still against the counter. Kaoru had almost put the conversation out of her mind when he spoke.  
  
... Can I... Can I tell you anyway...? She met his gaze quickly this time, so that he would not back down, but he tried to nonetheless. he said, shaking his head. No. I don't wanna lay all this stupid shit on your shoulders. You don' need any of it. Never mind.  
  
Kaoru moved towards him, and put her thin hand on her broad shoulder. He flinched a little, but relaxed after a moment. You were there for me when I needed you... And God knows you only deserve the same. It's my turn now.  
  
He sighed, and Kaoru thought that his next intake of breath might have even been a sniffle. He swallowed. It's just that... Sano paused, unsure of where he was going. I... I haven't said anything in a really long time.  
  
  
After dinner, the sky behind the dojo was a darkening purple, and a cool, crisp wind was curling through the yard. Sano watched intently as the last bits of weak, gold sunlight seeped from the horizon, letting the world fall into darkness. The lanterns on the porch hissed softly, casting spheres of pale light along the porch.  
  
Kaoru slipped out into the night, having left a tray for Kenshin just inside his door. She leaned on the wall behind Sano, watching his back.  
  
For some time, no words passed between them. Finally, without preamble, Sanosuke spoke. I think the thing... that hurts the most... is that he don't trust me. He... He don't trust me at _all_. It's like... It's like he thinks I don't- I don't love him enough to... to not sleep around, you know?   
  
I ain't never cheated on Jime. Never. An' I know... Or- or, I think I know... There's someone else... Someone else that he's had his heart set on for so damn long that he can't see anyone else any more. I know he don't love _me_... I don't care about that... It's that... that... He don't believe that _I_ love _him_.  
  
Kaoru closed her eyes, shutting out the dark dojo yard, shutting out Sano's lamp-lit back, the kimono stretched over his strong, broad shoulders. He doesn't deserve you... she whispered angrily. That bastard doesn't deserve you...  
  
Sano shook his head, swallowing against the lump forming in his throat. I just... I dunno... Two years - it's a long time to live with someone... S like... None of us knew what t' do when Kenshin left for no goddamn reason. I just - I wouldn't fuckin' know what to _do_ with myself without   
  
You'd be okay, Sano, Kaoru promised softly. We're all going to be okay...  
  
I dunno, Jo-chan... I - It's like... I just can't get him out from under my skin... An'... Sometimes... Sometimes I think... Shit, I just gotta leave him...' And some days I think that I can't stand to see his fuckin' face another day... But... I always do... I always stay, an' I always end up... I always end up wanting him again... I... I just... I think... Sano sighed.  
  
Kaoru opened her eyes, and watched as her tall friend's shoulders slumped, and his head bowed. I don't think I could leave him... he murmured. If I tried - I think he'd kill me...  
  
I was gonna try, today. I hated him so much, this time. I wanted to kill him for, like, half an hour... Jus'... kill im... And I just had t' - I had t' get out. So... I came here...  
  
Do you know what I think? she asked softly. Sano twisted around to look her in the eye, the light from the lantern shining directly into his face. I think you ought to go to Aizu. Sano's jaw dropped open, and Kaoru smiled a little, although it was a hollow smile. You ought to leave if you can't... Oh...  
  
  
  
_You ought to leave if you can't be happy... Did I make Kenshin- Stop it! He's - He's home! He's happy! Or else he wouldn't be here... This is exactly the way I was thinking after he left. It won't change a thing!_ She forced those thoughts out of her head, and focused her attention back on Sanosuke. It's fine. She sighed. You should leave if you can't be happy here, she said with a soft determination. And... Sano, I'm sorry, but I think you would be happy in Aizu - with Megumi.  
  
Sano's left eye was wide, although his right was close to swollen shut. ... M... Megumi...?  
  
Kaoru reached up and rubbed her chest as though the bare skin were cold. She's moved home to Aizu, you know.  
  
I know, Sano said softly.   
  
She's been asking about you, she told him.  
  
A blush covered his cheeks, and he dipped his head.   
  
Mmm. I... haven't really known what to say... So I've told her that you're well.  
  
I... Thanks... Sano sighed, and resettled himself so faced Kaoru, leaning against one of the poles supporting the porch roof. We... were writing for a while... Even though it's kinda embarrassin'... I can read pretty good - y'know? - but writing... It's, like, this horrible chore... I'm terrible at it, too. But she don't mind too much. He bit his lower lip and fell silent for a moment. That's... That's why Jime got so pissed... Cause I was... Well, yeah, anyway.  
  
The blue-eyed woman grit her teeth, and hands clenched at her sides. Go to her, Sano, she said, her voice soft. Go, and... and be happy... Just get out of town as fast as you can, and don't even think about that - monster again... It's a straight road. You can get to Aizu relatively quickly.  
  
Sano considered this. He considered leaving, considered Megumi, considered the long road to Aizu. After a long silence, he looked back up at Kaoru. Does - Does Megumi... Does she think of me... like... like _that_? The thought seemed to distress him a little, Kaoru could see, but it was a vague sort of concern, one formed more out of habit than out of actual consideration.  
  
One way to find out for sure, right? Kaoru said with a little smile.  
  
Sano stared at her for a moment before smiling, as well. I'm gonna go, he decided softly. He rose, and hugged Kaoru tightly. You gonna be okay without me, Jo-chan? Kick Yah'ko around a bit, you know? He needs it. He pulled Kaoru closer to him, and brushed a light kiss across her forehead. Thanks, Jo-chan. He let her go and went in to get his bag.  
  
He appeared back out on the porch not a minute later. Giving her one last hug, his arms powerful around her shoulders, he turned and left the dojo, heading, she might only imagine, towards Aizu. Kaoru thought that he looked better already, a little bit more self-assured... And, best of all, he was smiling again.  
  
  
  
  
Notes and Apologies:  
Yes, I know, Saito should, technically, be in Hokkaido. Well, he's not. Boy is he _ever_ not. Like we've said before - this fic breaks with the cannon storyline after the end of the Jinchuu Arc. The happy ending from the _Kenshin Kaden_ is obviously not part of this universe, and _Seisou Hen_ is completely obliterated, as well.  
Also... About Sano's face... As I was writing this, I was thinking about his fight with Cho in jail... Cho (that freak) smashed Sano with the ol' ball and chain, literally... And all that happen so Sano is he's bleeding from the head a little. Well, that's cartoons for you... This, however, isn't a cartoon. It's fanfiction. Angst fanfiction. And so the easier Sano bruises, the better. ::Snerk.:: Uh, it's not that he's in lots of pain, exactly. Sano doesn't need to be physically injured for Saito's hitting him to hurt him. So there. Yes, that was me being a little philosophical. Or something.  
And... About Sano, himself. I know, he sounds like a hick. He's not! Sano is a smart guy, but he's from the country, and I honestly can't imagine him having gone to school after he left home. We see him read numerous times in the manga, but reading and writing, although closely joined, are not the same skill. So. If he only went to school (back in Nagano when he was still living it his family) until he was ten, and hasn't had much occasion to do any writing since then... Well, yeah. That's my rationale for that. And about all the slang and left of Gs and Ds... Well, it's partially a Steinbeck influence, and partially... just the way I imagine Sano talking.   
But, of course, this universe's Sano doesn't just sound like a hick. He's sounds like an abused hick... So, get ready, folks... There's a lot less self-confident Sano in days to come. In fact, I don't really think there's any... The phrase kicked puppy' seems to sum up the way Kenshin and Sano act in this story... And... Well, maybe we'll get around to explaining why, eventually.  
Lastly! Sano is moving on to his own fic, for the most part. He and Megumi have their own story arc seperate from Kenshin and Kaoru... So, after the next chapter of _KnT_, we'll be posting the beginning S&M arc. The 2K story isn't over, but we're going in the order that the chat happened, so we'll be working on the two stories (somewhat) simultaniously.  
  
_SnM_  
  
  
  
  



	6. Ghosts of Spring

  
  


Author's Notes:  
Ah, finally, another new chapter.  
Rei-chan, the poor dear, finally squeezed it outta me. Meh. In any case... This one doesn't come from our RP-ing - This one is based on some discussion (not role play, just discussion) about what else Rei and I wanted to cover, and then I just wrote it out of my head. Heh. A few more notes at the end, I think... Mostly cause I like the sound of my own voice. Or typing. Or whatever.  
Oh, but wait-! Much love, of course, to Rei. Huggles to Pia-san(-dono, as I privately say in my head) and nemo... Pia-san - I don't even know where it's going, and I'm writing it! (This is a bad sign...) nemo - To tell the truth, I'm not entirely pleased with the way Sano speaks, either. However... I'll try and rationalize it a little further - Have you ever noticed how, when someone's upset, all their pretenses sort of drop away? It's like, when you're down and you know you're down, it doesn't do any good to pretend to be up. Sano's just kinda - depressed, and he's just kinda like, Fuck you, good grammar.' So, that rationale sucks, but oh, well. Also, this chapter is six pages long! Hope you're pleased! ::Wink.:: And, lastly, a big-ass hug for one Mz. Clarus-sempai-sama-dono, who likes me best on my knees and writing lemons, but tolerates me even when I'm not... (Clarus, I want my fucking French Toast.)  
_  
SnM_  


  
  
  
  
  
  


Chapter Six  
  
  
  


  
  
... Kaoru...?  
  
She startled, and turned around. Kenshin was leaning in the doorway, looking tired. She hadn't even heard him approach. Maybe it was a mistake to assume that Kenshin wasn't the same man he had been.  
  
Kenshin sat down on the porch beside the dark-haired woman, and his spine popped, his shoulders slouching as he leaned his elbows on his knees, looking out at the dojo yard.  
  
_Then again,_ Kaoru thought, biting her lip,_ maybe it isn't... I wish he'd tell me... He hasn't said anything besides, I was in prison there.' What does that tell me? What part of my worries is that supposed to alleviate?_ She sighed, released her lower lip from between her teeth, and turning to look at his profile. You've been sleeping a lot...  
  
I'm tired... His voice was soft, and he did sound tired. Sounded tired, looked tired, acted like a tired, old man...  
  
The other day... in the kitchen... The words did not come easily to her. Are you...?  
  
It was nothing serious, he said, still staring out at the yard. A cool, lazy wind swept a few stray leaves across the earth. I just...   
  
You just push yourself too far and you don't do anything about it until you're passed out on my kitchen floor! Slowly, Kenshin turned his head to stare at her, his eyes wide with shock. Kaoru let out a breath, a little startled by her own anger, as well. I'm sorry, Kenshin... I shouldn't have said that, but... It's true.  
  
Kenshin sighed, bowing his head a little. I know.  
  
So, then... Why do you do it...?  
  
The redhead shrugged slightly. I don't know... Maybe... Maybe for the same reason you push yourself so hard in training now...  
  
That hurt - it hurt Kaoru's heart, like salt in a wound. Kenshin, don't-  
  
I ought to, don't you think? he cut in, his voice soft. I don't need to worry about me, but-  
  
I do!  
  
I don't need to worry about me, he repeated calmly, his eyes never leaving her face, but I do worry about you... Kaoru... I... I don't want to lose you for good.  
  
You won't! she cried, unable to keep her frustration in check. Kenshin, what worries _me_ is that you don't care what you're doing to yourself! When you faint, it's time to reexamine how you're living! I- I have _no idea_ what's wrong with you. You say it was nothing serious, but what do you know? What do either of us know, for that matter? What if it's - I don't know - What if it's consumption!? When you start coughing up blood are you going to say, Well, you were right'? Any number of things could have happened to you in prison, but I don't know anything! How many hundred different illnesses could you have picked up in jail, Kenshin? Something _happened_ to you in there, I _know_ it, but you won't tell me!  
  
Kenshin remained silent through this onslaught of angry words, his head bowed again. he began, finally. Nothing happened _to_ me... Something... Something happened _in_ me... But... He looked at her. Please... I don't want to talk about it right now... Maybe... Maybe later...  
  
The young woman sighed, staring out at the yard, her shoulders slumping for a moment. Fine, Kenshin... Fine...  
  
But... I... I did come out here to talk to you... About something like that...  
  
She straightened, and turned her gaze to Kenshin again.   
  
It's... I don't want to make you angry... And I don't want to preach... So... I apologize... He let out a deep breath, and was silent for some time, collecting his thoughts.  
  
Finally, Kenshin resumed. ... Anger... is a dangerous thing... What I see in you, right now, Kaoru... When - when you're training, or, sometimes just when you look at me... You're so angry... And hurt, and afraid... But what's worse is that you're keeping it all bottled up inside...   
  
In the West... all the fashionable women wear diamonds. No, wait, this is going somewhere - at least, I hope it is... Diamonds - you get them out of coal, out of putting coal under an unthinkable amount of pressure. The coal hardens, and hardens, and eventually it turns into diamond. Diamond, a substance so pure, and so sharp it can cut glass - made out of coal, just ugly, old coal. It makes me wonder... I mean... What happens, when you put something under so much pressure...? It's either going to blow up, or get very, very hard... And, either way... Either way, it's dangerous....  
  
I can see you doing it - or, rather, I can see that you have done it - and it frightens me. Pain is not meant to be kept to oneself. That's why people marry, have children, live in villages and towns and cities... Because we can't be in pain alone... It does even more damage that way... It solidifies into something that's hardly human... Kaoru, I can see it in your eyes, and I know it, and it scares me...  
  
They were quiet for some time, the only sound the buzzing of a few intrepid insects, and their soft breathing.   
  
I'm sorry, Kenshin said finally.  
  
The blue-eyed woman shook her head. No... You're right... I know it's true. I think... I think that's why I tried to kill myself, really... Well, sort of... I mean... She sighed. _Why is this so _hard_...?_ I felt that, I think... It hurt so much, and I just couldn't stop myself from holding it in... The worse it hurt, the harder it was to say anything... So I just stopped saying anything... It got to the point where the only thing I could think of to make it stop hurting was... was to take myself out of the equation entirely... Does that make any sense...?  
  
Kenshin nodded slowly, his lower lip tucked between his teeth. I'm still sorry, Kaoru... For causing you that pain...  
  
Kaoru shrugged. There's nothing that will change what's already happened... Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not... But... A small smile graced her lips. ... Now I'm not alone, anymore. You're here, and I know you won't leave again... I won't let you! Just having you here makes me feel better.  
  
But... Kaoru, just having me here' won't solve all your problems, either. He had his hands clasped, the thumb of one hand rubbing over the bony knuckles of the other hand.   
  
I know, she replied.   
  
I don't know what _will_ solve them, either, though...  
  
I didn't expect you to, Kenshin, she said softly.   
  
The silence stretched over them again, expanding every moment that it lagged on. Kenshin continued to rub his knuckles with a subdued concentration. Kaoru's hands remained folded in her lap, her eyes trained on Kenshin's hands.   
  
Finally, the sight of Kenshin's thumb passing roughly over his knuckles became rather taxing, and Kaoru reached out, putting one of her fine hands over both of his. That isn't doing any good, Kenshin...  
  
For a long time, the red-headed man was silent, submitting to Kaoru's touch. Finally, he looked up at her, his purple eyes solemn. I'm not a sick man, Kaoru...  
  
The young woman guided Kenshin's hands into his lap, and then replaced her own hand in her lap. I know.  
  
Please don't treat me like one.  
  
Kaoru frowned. Don't act like one, if you don't want me to treat you like one, she snapped. Kenshin fell silent again. You _worry_ me, Kenshin. You really do. You're _not_ sick - not like normal people are sick, anyway. She sighed. You were never weak, certainly never like this. After Shishio... after Enishi... you were weak because you were injured. That I can understand. That I can fix - or, at least, Megumi can fix it. But... This is different.  
  
he agreed quietly.  
  
She thought, for a moment, that he might say more, that he might explain himself, but no explanation came. This is like... It's something from the inside, not any outside force. It's something that's eating away at you. I... I recognize it... It's... It's like... like how I feel... Kaoru took in a deep breath. Kenshin- You said you understood how I felt - the depression. He looked up at her, and nodded minutely. So... I mean... Is that... Is that what it is?  
  
For some time, she thought that Kenshin would not respond. The only sound from him was his quiet, slightly laboured breathing. But, finally, he came through, and spoke again. Not quite...  
  
This was getting frustrating. I know you said you didn't want to talk about it, Kenshin, but... You can tell me anything... I'm not going to turn away from you, I swear. I wouldn't know how.  
  
Kenshin bowed his head, resting it in his hands. He massaged his eyes, which ached from strain, although he wasn't sure what strain. I wouldn't consider killing myself, Kaoru. The will to live.' That's something I can't seem to get rid of, no matter how hard I try. He laughed softly, the sound hardly more than an exhalation, and his eyes did not open. I've never wanted to kill myself... I've been careless countless times... I've been careless because I thought maybe I would die... But I've never put the sword to my stomach and wanted to press. Suicide is for people better than me... Kenshin sighed.   
  
he repeated. That's how I got in prison, in the first place... Simple distraction, and disregard.  
  
Kaoru pressed softly.   
  
  
  
  
The rain was so heavy... It was the sort of heavy rain that blocks everything out and makes a man feel lonely in his own skin. What was worse, it was a cold rain, driving and cold, horrible weather for February.  
  
Ever since the end of the Bakumatsu, I've chosen to avoid Kyoto as much as possible. There was, truly, no love for me in that place. It is owned by the spirits of the Shinsen Gumi, haunted by dead Shogunate supporters, frequented by shades of my own nightmares. I never thought, during the fighting, I would leave as a criminal to them, but... It is a place I do not like to stay long in.  
  
A cemetery in Kyoto. I couldn't help but feel the pull of ghosts there - Tomoe's... And yours, as well... You were with me the last time I made that pilgrimage... And what is a ghost, really, besides the lingering image of a person's soul? There was a little bit of you kneeling there beside me, mixing with Tomoe's ethereal scent of white plums - an imagined scent, in that cold, hard rain. Memories, shadows, thoughts of people I'd left behind, wrapped around me, obscuring even the iciest gusts of wind.  
  
I didn't fight the police officers who grabbed my shoulders. I didn't fight when they chained me. I didn't even fight when they put me in a cell in headquarters, or when, a week later, they moved me to solitary confinement just inside the city limits. It didn't matter. I didn't want to die, I just didn't care how I lived...  
  
Sometimes peace brings out the gentlest parts of our being. And some of us cannot live without war and chaos. Sometimes I wonder which sort of man I am. A wanderer for ten years, but bad luck and violence has always trailed me like my shadow.   
  
It's funny what changes a man. When I was challenged - Shishio, Enishi, all the countless others - they made it simple to separate the good side of myself from the side I would rather never look at again. I could let my dirty, little secret - Battosai - take care of the violence for me, and when the fighting was done, it was easy to see that I could be peaceful once more. But take away the challenge, and take away the violence, and my system crumbles.   
  
In total peace - where there was no one for me to fight - I didn't know what to do... Most of the time, it was simple enough to maintain the role of moderator, peace-making, domestic servant... But sometimes I would find myself irrationally angry - just for a moment. There would be the overwhelming urge to break something, or the impulse to walk away from the laundry I was doing and say, To hell with it.' I didn't understand it. But I knew it was happening. And I couldn't stop it.  
  
And then, one day - Good God, it terrified me - I got mad _at_ someone. But not just anyone... I got so angry at you, Kaoru... So angry... I felt sick, just hearing myself, but I was _angry_. I couldn't stop myself. I wanted to hit you... And I couldn't - I couldn't let myself be that way, fall apart that way...  
  
I promised you, after we'd survived Enishi, that I wouldn't leave... I was always promising that... But, finally, in the end, it wasn't violence that pulled me away - It was peace. It was me. I... I couldn't be with you like that. I couldn't ever touch you in anger. I couldn't be near you if I even thought of mistreating you.  
  
Kenshin sat, unmoving, his head still bowed.  
  
I see, Kaoru murmured after some time. But... If that's the case... Why are you here again? She wondered whether her words were actually as cold as they sounded. Looking at the redhead's blank expression, she couldn't tell... She just couldn't tell.  
  
I... put a stop to it. I finally shut him out.  
  
But it's left you like this... weak...  
  
He sighed. It took a lot of effort - a lot of strength... It just sort of - wore me down after a while... But I know, now, that I won't - can't - be a threat to you. Kenshin looked up at her, his bright, purple eyes gentle, and he smiled.  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes (Again):  
OK. Yeah, just a few more words...   
I lied. There _might_ be another chapter with 2K before we delve into S&M... I didn't get to do a Kenshin flashback - a good one - like I wanted to... But I might put that off til later. Then again, I'd be kinda happy to just end Kokoro no Tsubasa here... That's not gonna happen, but... This might be the end of the focused 2K plot... The rest is sort of aimless, but we're working on fixing that.  
This chapter was basically an attempt to get into our protagonists' heads a little - Plus, they held _hands_! Whoo! Kenshin's such a ladies' man. Ha... Ha. No, really - Ha.  
Kenshin's monologue gets very... _weird_. I'm sorry about that, but - I tried, OK?! ::Cries.::  
In any case - I can't remember if I had anything else to say... But if I did... It's not gonna get said, now.   
So - Please, please, _please_ review! Reviews are why authors write! I need them! Rei-chan needs them! I'll give you French Toast if you review - Or, well, an I.O.U. for French Toast, once I learn how to cook it without burning it...   
Love you guys!  
  
  
_SnM_  
  
  
  
  



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